Sunday, September 10, 2017
Thursday, September 7, 2017
I sat on the ground with my legs crossed.
His beard was impressive. He had a way with words as well. A spry and youthful chap in an aging body. Not too old. He has some years left in him considering he was doing headstands and cartwheels 15 minutes earlier outside in the grass. You could just FEEL his presence. Uttering syllables like a hot knife through butter.
You could also FEEL the energy in the room. Effervescent. A cool and vibrant air. An atmosphere of openness, compassion and equanimity. You could hear people shift their legs between different seated positions. I could definitely hear the man scratching his beard behind me and the lady with the sniffing nose. It didn't bother me, but I found it intriguing and interesting.
The bearded guru man guided us through some breathing exercises. Slow to fast. Fast to Slow. We took one giant breath in after about 50 controlled rhythmic breaths. We sat and enjoyed the silence. Oh, and let's not forget the sniffing woman who must have had allergies behind me. Things were wrapping up. The guru got up, bowed and vowed that we would see us during his next visit. The air was still still.
Everyone got up and dispersed. Many went straight to their cellphones. Tiny screens of distraction and dopamine hits. Ring Ring. Tap Tap. Material Fixation. Insecurity Projection. In any case, it seemed as if people were eager to get back to their own neurotic lives. I mean they already fulfilled their "mindfulness" requirement by taking this costly one day course with a bearded celebrity. Good for them, stimulate the economy.
I was heading out to my car in the parking lot. I took my time getting out of the place because I didn't want to deal with the exiting traffic of the pretentious spiritual intelligentsia.When the parking lot seemed fairly empty and casually navigable, I darted to my old metal coffin on wheels. As I was about midway through the parking lot, I noticed the guru putting on some trendy ( RayBan ) sunglasses and heading towards his car. Needless to say, it looked like he was doing pretty well. It was a Blue Audi. Well, I call it blue. It could have been colored something slightly more elegant and seductive, but for the mean time let's stick with the color of "blue". The guru was certainly looking pretty cool and collected and he went to unlock his front driver side door. As he was about to open his door, he got a call from someone on his Iphone. ( Yes, he owned an Iphone ) (( Materialization at New Spiritual Levels )). He stood up straight, took the call and headed away from the car back to the building. He could have simply forgotten something or wanted to follow the Golden Rule of always using the bathroom before you hit the road. We have all ignored this rule sometime in our lives. Let's just all accept our own mistakes and inherent biological ties to our own evolved bladder control system.
I felt like I was in a daze. I couldn't take my eyes of his car. I became curious. The curiosity mosquito bit me on my lower back. I felt a rush of adrenaline and rebellious thoughts passed through my frontal cortex like a hornet on speed. I wanted to walk over there and see what his car was like on the inside and outside. Was there luxurious tapestries and pristine leather seating? Was there a Buddha on the dash and not a speck of dust on the floor beds? I was salivating. A lustful desire swept over me to investigate. I felt very voyeuristic, much like the time where I was a teen trying to peek at the interactions of the neighbors across the street that were engaged in a passionate and daunting argument.
I walked towards the car. I felt the goosebumps on my arms and I could feel my heart racing like a panicking amphibian. What was I doing? I asked myself. I felt this pull. Almost like paralysis. I felt as if my will to turn around had taken a costly vacation to the Bahamas. I got closer and I looked inside the car. It was a mess. Words cannot describe the sheer chaos that manifested itself in the back seat and even the front driver side. I was even questioning how he would be able to drive with all the discarded taco wrappers and empty zero calorie soda cans. Was this a reflection of his inner turmoil? (( Was this a reflection of my Inner Turmoil??! )) Certainly. Was he wearing a mask that covered his internal struggle? I felt as if this "guru" was more human now. I could see his flaws and idiosyncrasies. I could see that he certainly did not practice what he preached. Odd. Fascinating. Peculiar and Off Putting!
I walked away feeling as if the experience I paid for was tainted. I had a bad taste in my mouth. It was almost as if my expectations were strangled and thrown in the noisy dryer. The dryer that can't keep you up and manifest itself in your dreams. That creaky old thing. I felt as if I lost some respect for this self important bearded symbol of authority. Well, I certainly couldn't get my money back now!
I got home after driving in silence in the car for about 30 minutes. I tried to listen to music. I really did. I switched through the landscape of Top 40, Country and Alternative. I didn't have the desire to reach through my glove compartment and pull out the burned compact disc of late 90s hits. Not today. I think I needed that silence. It was there for a reason. I needed to collect my thoughts and truly feel the confusing and saddening experiences(feelings) that I just was a part of. No use in trying to escape it.
I remember the guru babbling and touting things like, "what you resist persists" and that "the inner was a reflection of the outer." Those just seemed like words now. Like dusty platitudes from a Marketing Team. Who could I really trust? I certainly felt betrayed by him. Was I making a big deal of him having such a messy car?
I looked around my living space. Everything seemed to be pretty in order. I saw a few things that needed tidying. I straightened out the books on the shelf. I cleaned the crumbles of the kitchen counter. I even finally took out that pesky cob web on the back end corner underneath my dining room table that faced the backyard window. I was feeling better. Why was I so concerned with somebodies self made environment? Why was I so disgusted by it? Was it really any of MY BUSINESS?
Well, short answer. No. I just felt that the guru's words didn't align with his actions. That seemed fraudulent and corrupt to me. It was corrupt. I didn't know his true intentions. This could have all been an act. Maybe he was a Slob in Real Life. Maybe he was a less than decent person that deceived people to the top. So many questions.
" A mask we all wear. A smiling face that can cover our sadness. Pushing everything to the brim in the closet of your mind."
" They may wear robes and sport giant smiles, but what do they think?"
Was I projecting? Maybe seeing that backseat mess was a reflection of what needs to be ordered in my life. Maybe that experience was meant to happen. Was it for a reason? Listen, I have never thought of myself as an " Everything Happens for a Reason", guy, but what compelled me to go towards that car if it wasn't in my best interest? I can try to take apart what happened all I want, but it already happened. I was doing my best with what I KNEW at the TIME!
I got up from my couch in the living room as if a bolt of lightning hit me on the top of my bald spot. I stuck my finger in the air and declared that I would take responsibility for the things around me. The outer landscape is a reflection of my inner landscape. I made a commitment to the direction of maintaining what I had control over.
I looked down and saw that there was a dime wedged in between one of the cushions. The reached down and grabbed the dime. It has a little spot on it. Looked like brownie residue. Whatever it was, I picked it off, walked to the trash can and disposed of it while keeping the dime safely in my palm. I took some alcohol and a rag and wiped the dime. Good as New! I took the dime to my change bank. Clink.
Would I have gone through all this trouble of trying to properly put away this piece of money if I didn't have the experience of facing the dragon of chaos that manifested itself through someones unconscious and disorderly state of consciousness? When I gazed into the back of that car, did I have a transformational and transcendent experience? What was pulling me into this realization?
I felt as if things fell into place after being thrown into a state of disorder and chaos. I was with it. I was experiencing what came to me. No resistance. No trying to escape. I did what I could to make things "right".
I went to bed and tried to close my eyes. I was anxiously anticipating getting up and making my bed to the best of my abilities. A thought of the guru's dirty car popped into my brain. I let it be. Something called to me.
Something whispered into my brain.
"Don't trust a Guru with a Dirty Car."