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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

I was thinking about Peanut Butter.


I was thinking about peanut butter.

I know it sounds random and slightly irrelevant, but I can certainly *try* to explain myself.

Do you ever have a thought pop into your head at random or after seeing something that sparked that particular thought? Maybe an image. Maybe hearing someone in the distance talking about something in particular. Then, have you ever encountered something relevant to that thought later in the day? For example, someone mentions that aforementioned thing or relative concept that popped into your head earlier. You weren’t seeking it. You weren’t asking for it, but nevertheless, it certainly happened. But Why?

I remember a certain scene in the classic movie Repo Man that relates to what I am talking about. The homeless grungy mess of a character stands next to Emilio Estavez as they talk about things and burn different pieces of trash in an old metal barrel. The grungy character was mentioning how when you think about a “Plate of shrimp” and hear it brought up later in the day deals with the “Cosmic Unconsciousness”. At first this seems “Woo Woo” at best, but when you start to break it down it starts to make a little bit of sense. You can call what you want. You can name it as being a phenomena or quite possibly a “sign from the universe”. No matter what you call this particularly unusual event, when you become conscious of it it becomes even more mystifying and awe inspiring. (in a sense)

This whole Cosmic Thought Relevance Pull seems to maybe be a distant cousin from Deja Vu in way. Think about it. Is the brain just in tune with a certain word or concept brought up earlier and when it recognizes that same concept whether implicitly or explicitly, does it try to ascribe meaning to the event? Or are we trying to construct some type of arbitrary meaning to the conscious observation of what we THINK “our” minds are doing?

I may hear about peanut butter at 8am going to work on the radio in the car.
2 hours later, I may hear about a coworker eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Maybe not directly to me, but my ear catches it as if it was a cry for help in the distance.
From that moment on I am craving peanut butter. I am thinking about peanut butter and all its implications and provocations.

Can I mix peanut butter with Hummus? Would that taste good?
Have I ever tried peanut butter on a frozen banana?
What would lead me to think to tie a “frozen banana” to “peanut butter”?
Weird. Curious. Imaginative. 

Was I in the right place at the right time to hear the conversation about peanut butter?
Please do realize, that I am using peanut butter as an example. This may have happened to you with something like a horse or a plane or even an abstract concept like multi-verses or the Gini Coefficient.

Does it have to do anything with your subconscious?

It’s almost as if these thread of concepts and thoughts were floating in without your control. Without your conscious directive of will or effort. Of all the times these things have happened, it did give me a certain feeling. A certain bodily response that stopped me in my tracks and made my heart skip a beat. As if my curious engines in my head were ignited with passion and motivation. Maybe not so much motivation, but more with the curious intent to look inward and try to piece together meaning or relevance to the jut in the compulsory and cyclical impedance of thought.

What happens when you follow that rabbit hole of that interconnected thought manifestation of coincidental significance? What happens when you follow that “peanut butter” curiosity so to speak? Do doors start opening up for you? Does your perception of your worldview or your “life” start to change? Do you feel like you are being “pulled” by something that is just beyond your reach and your subconscious or something deep within you is trying to nudge you toward an exotic adventure? All magnificent things to ponder and to try make sense of for sure. But what if it isn’t necessarily trying to make sense out of that odd thing?

Once again, why would that thought happen in the first place?
* Think about it without trying to come up with an answer. *

Maybe you were in that right place at the right time?
Maybe your body was craving the peanut butter because it needed some dose of satiety from protein and fat.
Maybe your brain just doing its thing was trying to connect familiar thoughts and concepts within a certain scope of time.

What happens when I consciously try to look for things that deal with peanut butter? Does "me" making an active decision create more conflict in a sense where I am biased trying to look for things that are or aren’t there? If I am constantly trying to look for things relevant to peanut butter, does it not change the feeling and the mysticism of spontaneity and the true presence and uncertainty of what is? Well, that is a very heavy and important question. If I become so conscious of how my brain works to a certain extent, will I eventually find the root *cause* for this cyclical thought blossom of the concept peanut butter?

Why did it have to be peanut butter in the first place? Why couldn’t it be a horse, house or even a mouse? It could have been so many things and I can’t seem to trace the exact reason that thought about peanut butter came into cerebral fruition. Did I just put peanut butter into your head? Are you going into different thought tangents about the many possibilities and applications about peanut butter? Let it sink in...

If I craft my motivational directive to that thought about peanut butter, does it become less of a journey that can lead you towards something else? Maybe something more important. Either way, it began as a thought and I wouldn’t advise getting too attached to it.

((AHA!))

Maybe that’s it. The attachment to thought. Maybe recognizing and being aware of that relevant thought in time is a trigger to align with the present moment. It could be the involuntary glitch in that thought loop that allows you to become conscious of how your thought patterns work. Maybe you make a big deal in trying to ascribe meaning to your thought patterns. Do those thought patterns turn into habits? Do those habits turn into routine? Do those routines make you dull and predictable or do they enlighten your life or seem to “improve” it?

I am aware that I am being aware about this thought and reaction to the concept of peanut butter. This awareness of the awareness brings a flooding sense of presence and curiosity. Why would it matter where this weird peanut butter thought web came from? We are constantly bombarded with thoughts when awake and when sleeping. When we become too attached to a thought or thought patterns, we get caught up in our own cyclical compulsion of memory and sensory input. The compulsory cycle of thought turns into a form of psychosis if we start to identify with it and try to manipulate and control it. If you can be aware of how the mind chatters, you can watch it and observe it without getting too involved or swept away by it’s own manifested neurosis.

Maybe the mere thought of peanut butter was meant for me to become more conscious and aware. That seems almost silly and absurd to think about as well. What makes me think that I am so self important to think that this one event could ultimately change the direction of my life and fiber of my being? Well, I can certainly listen. I can certainly be aware of what is happening with my head and allow it to manifest itself before my eyes without trying to “get involved”. What is this ascribed meaning is deceptive or a type of trap? What if I didn’t try to make a BIG DEAL of these weird familiar thought phenomena?

That’s interesting. Familiarity. It seems as if the mind works to try to grasp onto familiarity as a means to keep things in order and maintain a sense of certainty and belonging. Is the brain constantly looking for things that are familiar or even nostalgia. We know what nostalgia makes a us feel. All about that feeling. That loving warm certainty and feeling of familiarity. The mind builds its structure around familiarity because the center is built from memory, thought and the past. So it stores all these images and concepts that are inherently beholden to what has been learned or observed from the past. Very interesting indeed. If the mind gets caught in a thought loop that relates to an overarching concept, wouldn’t it be correct to assume or assert that the mind will ultimately gravitate towards. Familiar thoughts lead to the programmable pursuit of familiarity invented by thought and only contained within the known which is “of the past”.

After all this writing, I am craving a peanut butter sandwich. Possibly, with jelly. But what kind of jelly? Am I only limited to certain jellies that my taste buds are accustomed to or “familiar” with? Do I have a conscious or unconscious bias towards certain types of textured peanut butters and flavored jellies? Such deep and meaningful questions that can have an immense spectrum of hypothesizes and possible answers. Am I being pulled by or influenced by biological processes? Or even my genes??

Shall I let this thought pattern of peanut butter do its own thing or will I try to intervene and thus change it into a completely different thing?


DG

Thursday, August 10, 2017

GrAvyTude


Gratitude.

Drink it in.

The Infinite Chalice of Gratitude.

The ever filling receptacle of thankfulness.

We know now what gratitude can do for us. What it offers us. How it nourishes us. In an act of immediacy we can orient ourselves and our mindsets towards gratitude. Aligning with the present moment and breathing in. Of course you can always be grateful for even the smallest and trivial things. One need not look toward the “positive” aspects of their life to express their gratitude. Some of the best “lessons” have come from the revelation that challenging and heartbreaking experiences open up our sense of awareness and ability to fully experience and feel what is happening for us.

It is the trying times that seem to break through our blind spots and walls that we have put up around ourselves. It is the act of observation. The Observation of the self and the events that transpire in front of us. It is not entirely about choice. When we choose, we tend to hesitate and get in our own way. We can certainly choose to be grateful and thankful in every waking moment. This isn’t a bad thing. Establishing a habitual gratitude reaction to what happens can strengthen the neural circuits within your brain. It doesn’t mean that you wholeheartedly subscribe to a more positivist outlook. Quite the contrary. Establishing a Gratitude Feedback Mechanism Strategy means simply being with what is without pushing back. One can observe the callousness and idiocy of ones self and be thankful for that particular revelation if they are truly in tune with the way they are acting. When they are truly in tune with what is actually HAPPENING.

When I look closer, I can see that gratitude turns out to be a byproduct from being present. Much like joy. When the need to seek or satiate isn’t hovering around in the mind like a gnat, a silence arises which leads to a calm sense of being. From that state, all possible reasons to be grateful are illuminated without will or effort. Without the lust to attain or even change your trivial state of mind of WHAT IS.

The observation of what is happening.

When we are constantly trying to push a “gratitude agenda”, we are using will and effort to benefit the self. It takes a great deal of energy to try to force or mandate a continuous state of gratitude. It is like leashing thankfulness to a pole while constantly berating it to serve us or change our current mood or feeling without actually “FEELING” it. That’s the key. Feeling it out.(( HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL? ))

We are presented with a huge spectrum of feelings and emotions that are so unique to our own humanity. We can see gratitude much like a flower. We can admire the beauty, the scent and the perfect design of it, but when we try to pick it we are lustful and trying to prolong the beauty for our own neurotic self. If we can simply LOOK at the gratitude flower without association or the need to CAPTURE it, a whole new experience opens up. That is a sense of gratitude that arises naturally without the need to TRY to look at the thing in a certain WAY. It is being aware that we are being aware without trying to be aware that we are being aware.
This cool amorphous substance of gratitude that organically arises from choice-less awareness is Gravytude. Imagine if you will. A gravy like substance that pours over the world around you. A slow and sumptuous flow of thankfulness that is satisfying beyond words and concepts. Yes it is there. You can see it. It is not about choosing to see it. It is  about SEEING it. Don’t you see?

Well does it actually exist? Well not materially. In a way I have already created it if you are reading this. The concept. The idea. This idea of a substance that seems to construct the perceptive fabric of existence and life itself. You and I can imagine this Gravytude in dramatically different ways. When you first saw this silly word, did you think of gravy in a gravy boat? If you did, then why did you? You certainly hold the concept for what gravy is in your brain. Constructed from the architecture of thought and memory. Did you imagine the gravy being chunky white or more of a meager brown? Did your Aunt Sheryl serve your family thick brown gravy at Christmas time? Maybe you established a personal connection with that past experience of gravy. Maybe it did indeed make you FEEL a certain WAY.

Well, we created the concept of gravy so that we can all understand what we are talking about even though there are probably at least 60+ species and genus of Gravy. Notice the nomenclature. The merging of two similar sounding words.

“ You can have Gravy on a Boat,
You can hold gravy in your hand.
It simply tastes marvelous on ham.”

Gravy and Gratitude.
A personal question for me:
How did this rather absurd concept appear in my head? Where did it come from?
Was I looking at gravy? Was I thinking about the IDEA of GRATITUDE?

From what I can remember, ( although this may be casually distorted ) is that it appeared to me without me trying to think of anything. My brain was doing it’s job. I was at my JOB doing the things I needed to do. I remember it popping in my head and it gave me a little dopamine reward. A little curved smile. Certainly, I could search forever to try to see where it came from, but that is of little interest to me. I am grateful for my brain making those synapse fires and connections.

I have built up a trend of trying to pair similar sounding words together in order to craft bad puns and wordplay. This is something I have inherited from my family. It is not something that I necessarily will myself to do. It is part of how my brain makes connections. I am sure my past conditioning is a HUGE part of it. It is fascinating to look at and think about. To ponder on the how and why of the workings of my brain. I am certainly a product of the past. My self is primarily the product of the past. And thought itself of the PAST.

The fact of the matter is is that I didn’t choose for that to pop in my head, but it drew me in. It intrigued me. I wrote it down so I wouldn’t lose it. I Wanted to Capture it and Expand upon it. I wanted to write about it and discover how I could push this idea of GRAVYTUDE.

It stuck in the back of my head. But why? Was it really that important? Well, it was important enough for me to commit time to attempt to sit down and write about it. Was it really all me doing this or am I being directed from a psychological and/or biological force? Where is this piece of writing going to lead me? Am I following a series of steps in a certain direction or am I under the impression that I am in control and I am trying to harness a creative snake and spirit? What is making me ask this? What is pulling my strings to make me think this certain way and use my past experience to craft and semi-coherent piece of writing?

Who knows? I know! Well, maybe I don’t know. In fact, I can factually say that at this point I do not know. Of course, I don’t know more things than I know, but that is beside the point. So many questions. No need to seek an answer. Only a chance to be present and aware. Ok, Now I am aware that I am aware that I am writing. I see that, but am “I” the one being aware or am “I” being deceived. Well in a way, the “I” is an illusion. A creation of identity within the realm of past experience and biological determination. A false sense of self tied to the limits of knowledge and categorization. I understand. Agh!
There I go. Going straight to the “I” again. It will have to do in the meantime. If I try to stop using “I”, that is just the “I” trying to expand itself. It cannot be rid of through will, effort or discipline. That is the “I” acting to attain. It is an escape from what is and a denial of how things are. Disorder and Chaos.

Back to Gravytude.

That Milky and Murky substance that “I” invented.
I can’t really take credit for it. It seems as if it was “gifted” to me. Maybe it was a mistake. Must I be a victim of circumstance?
All I can really say is that I am grateful for it.
Is it meant for good?
Doesn’t matter.
I can take it apart. I can analyze all I want. I can try to find out why it came in the first place. If I place a meaning on it, it deteriorates. If I try to swaddle or strangle it, it goes into its shell. I can observe and I can appreciate. From that appreciation arises a sense of gratitude and maybe even a callously subjective sense of meaning.

Sure, it’s what I think. Well, thought seems more to happen to me. Or for me? Well, how self important of me to think that! It came and it passed and more thought came in. An endless cycle that I can look and be grateful for if I am not caught in it’s own drama and psychosis.

I can feel that gratitude.
I can FEEL that Gravytude.

I can Be.

DG

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

A Dot On the Painting.


A dot on the painting

It was staring at the beautiful blend of colors. The technique was on point. All the right things in all the right places. I could feel it. It was pleasing to all my senses. The gallery was quiet. The temperature was optimal. The sound in the room was at a muted tone where you could really focus in on the beautiful aesthetics around you. I was certainly feeling it.

I sat and stared at the painting for a solid 15 minutes. It was captivating. I couldn't remember an experience like this before. I felt present and alive.

Then I noticed something interesting. A tiny black dot on the lower half of the painting. More towards the right and not too close to the center. Was the dot intentional? Was it paint or some other dark substance? Immediately, I was taken out of the presence I had before hand. I felt as if the “critical bug” had bit me. I was also curious. This one tiny dot seemed to have thrown off my prior mesmerized memorization. It turned into a new experience. This time, something slightly uncomfortable.

It was if my whole world was changed by one tiny thing. One tiny insignificant thing. But was it really insignificant if it has made so much of an impact? It’s amazing how one tiny thing can simply ruin the totality of something else. Much like seeing a tiny fly swimming drunkenly in the glass of red wine you were about 75 percent through finishing. I wanted to regain focus of how I was experiencing the painting before I noticed the dot. Was it even possible? Was that fleeting moment I had beforehand only meant for that specific time in the past?

That’s the thing. I was trying to simply “reproduce” the experience and the supposed mindset I had before I noticed the dot. It was the mind trying to grasp for pleasure. For comfort. For the watered down nostalgic substance of the past. Was I consciously trying to hold onto the mesmerizing experience I had before hand? Was I creating suffering by resisting this slightly uncomfortable experience that came into fruition?

I still appreciated the painting for what it was, but part of me was simple displeased that I could never see it the way I saw it beforehand. I was resisting what is and trying to force a consciousness based on what should be. The thing is is that it will never be the same and that is alright. Was that dot destined to appear in my consciousness and bring about a new sense of awareness that thrust forth an existential quandary? Was my subconscious combing the visual desert in front of me? Maybe I was meant to go to this specific art museum on this specific date at this specific time to experience a proverbial fork in the road or a mildly robust revelation. In any case, I would walk out of the museum with a new “outlook” on perception and life.

When I moved my way through the rest of the museum, I felt a sense of bewilderment as well as an overwhelming warmth of contentment. I didn’t feel boastful or prideful, but I felt more and more comfortable with this ever presence amorphous serpent of uncertainty. This uncertainty that was just out of the reach of my control. Just outside of my current level of consciousness. I didn’t feel the need to try to discipline or condition myself into trying to experience a piece of art the way I thought it SHOULD be experienced. I was allowing thoughts and feelings to come on through without getting too attached to the. I was allowing things to exist as they were and as they are. I wasn’t too keen on trying to take apart of analyze the art around me. Some of them caught me more than others, but why was that. I could have easily been as fascinated in the marble sculptures than the colorful paintings from modern artists. I could have easily been led astray by the vibrancy of the high contrast religious art around me. What was pulling me? What was pulling my strings? Another moral quandary, I thought. Did it really matter what I thought of all this art around me? Did it really matter if it was tasteful or not?

I was out of my head. Not out of my mind. I was out of trying to postulate and promulgate thoughts based upon on my own conditioning and intellect. That was getting in my way. Was I getting in my own way? Well, yes.

The specific pieces of art that drew me dealt more with what I felt and less with how I really “thought” about them. Why would it really matter what I “thought” about them if thought is essentially constrained to the past. Of the past. So I listened. I paid attention to how I felt without the need to judge, criticize or sculpt like a piece of clay.

Did it really matter if it was "good" or "bad" art? Did it make me a feel a certain way? Was I paying attention to that fleeting moment? Was I conditioned to believe what was suppose to be good or bad art by what I was taught in the past? Would that make my perception distorted and disconnected allowing for more conflict?

I came into to see a painting and I got a lot more than I expected. It was an experience. I knew me trying to replicate this experience was silly and absurd. I felt as if I needed it. Did I think I needed it? Well, that could possibly be. (Probably) If I thought I needed it, what would that actually mean? If I became too attached to the thought of “ I thought that I needed it” then that would mean I would be more dependent on that thought(s) hence more constrained to the past. If I was looking for a meaning or an answer in that experience, then I would be fishing for a dead concept formulated in the past. I know that that experience cannot be reproduced with me trying to reproduce it. Will something like it happen again? Maybe. That’s the great thing about allowing things to happen. To allow the impermanence of uncertainty to permeated the presence of which you preside. The presence that we reside in now. Yes, now. The one that exists as you read this.

The dot started out as a slight annoyance. I could have resisted it and let it eat me up inside. I could have let it bounce around in my consciousness like a pinball. The slight discomfort in my awareness started as a seed and sprouted to become a tasty presence plant. From that acceptance of what was, I melded into “what is” without the effort or will of trying to guide it or change it. Did the dot allow me to open up my awareness or did I allow the dot to guide me into the unknown?

I can really only say that I am uncertain if I am certain and that uncertainty will always be certain in every moment of presence.

DG

Monday, July 31, 2017

Thursday, July 27, 2017

The Blank Piece of Death

The Blank Piece of Death

It's right in front me. Just sitting there. The eggshell white gleam of a perfectly perforated piece of paper. A polar bear in the snow. The whale underneath the milky sea. Right in front of me.

I want to make a mark. I want the male to be perfect. Where do I start? Nothing is coming out. Do I try to look at something else for inspiration? That's it! Where's the inspiration? Do I really want to try to copy something? I mean not directly. I can certainly look at what's around me and go from there. Oh, there is also the internet! Hm...

Wait, so where do I make the mark? Do I start in the middle? Alright. Think. It it me thinking too much that is preventing me? Should I focus more? I feel like I have been through this before. Why did I start with a blank slate? Why did I choose to sit down and try to force something out? Ok, maybe I am in my head too much. Let me move around.

12 Jumping Jacks Later *

Alright. I am pumped. Let’s do this!
Here we go. I’m going for it.

*Makes a mark*

“ Alright, how does this mark look?”
Looks Great! I need to make another mark. But where?
Okay.

*Makes another mark *

I don’t know if this is working. To be honest, I don’t know what I’m doing. Am I still thinking about this too much? Am I creating this whole whirlwind of madness myself? Oh the tragedy! Oh the horror! Okay, I need to calm down. I’ve been down this road many times before. It’s simple Trial and Error. Everyone starts from a point where they don't really know what they are doing, right?

The thing is. It all starts with one mark, doesn’t it. One word. One Line. Etcetera.
What influenced me to make this line in this one spot? What was pulling my strings when I decided to make such a mark? Did this first mark set the tone for the rest of the piece?

I took action from a thought? Maybe more of a series of thoughts. But what influenced the series of those thoughts? Was it something in my past experience? Certainly, the more and more I look at these marks I made, I can see that they look quite similar to this mango I saw at the supermarket a couple of days ago. The mango was gleaming and effervescent. It was almost as if the rays of god shined down upon the mango through the crude and dusty skylight from up above. It would see that I was in the right place at the right time to witness such a holy fruitful experience. Did this have any influence on the marks I made? Maybe I simply cannot tell at this very moment.

What lead me to use this specific colored pencil? I chose blue. I confess, I think blue is my favorite color. Did I chose blue out of convenience or because it reminded me of something in my past? Maybe I am biologically predestined to like blue by a series of events and genetic markers. It seems like there are a plethora of variables that could contribute to why I chose to pick this specific blue in the first place. I mean the blue was right next to a Razzmatazz. Why didn’t i chose that fun color? The name is so inviting and playful in itself!

Did I chose this paper out of convenience as well? I could have easily chosen something more colorful, but I decided that starting from a white blank slate was the most valuable and accessible. In any case, why didn’t I venture out and make marks on a different material? I feel as if I have been conditioned to make marks on white by what has been taught to me in the past. The color of this white makes the mark pop very nicely. I am not entirely displeased with the fact that I chose this variant of white. But wait... Did I really choose this white paper? Did something else within me choose it because it was familiar? Did my subconscious lead me to pick this piece of paper because it knew what was best for my unmitigated creative energy? Am I thinking too much about this? I would say, yes!

The amount of time I have spent postulating and conceptualizing the why of this situation, I have lost my way of what I wanted to do in the first place. I just wanted to draw. I just wanted to create something unique and fresh, but it seems as if my intellect and my doubts have bubble up to the surface thus distracting me from my original affair. It is almost as if I have nested a nice little place in my pre-frontal cortex.

 Too much conceptualization and not enough action. ACTION! That’s it. I merely need to act without thinking too much. But how do I do that? What is the correct method for this matter? Wait. I am thinking too much about this again. I understand my problem more clearly now. I am getting in my own way. I am focused too much on focusing too much. It doesn’t seem like there is a concrete method. Certainly, I can find out for myself.

Back to the page. I am making this glorious marks. I am feeling this momentum and energy streamline for me. I don’t think I have felt this exuberance before. This magnificent jubilation of unbridled expression. Wait, have I had this experience before? I am thinking about the past again and not with what I am doing.

Bollocks!

I made a bad mark. I feel as if my whole composition is ruined. Was this planned? Did I ruin my own flow? Wait. Maybe this was for a reason. This bad mark has made me more conscious with what I am doing. With what I am trying to make. Maybe it’s wrong for me to think that this is a wrong mark or that something went wrong by me not being with the creative energy. Maybe it’s not the best outlook. I can manifest from what is. I can make the best from this moment on. I can work around this flubbed mark without doubt or worry. Much like a jazz musician. There cannot be a bad note if I make it sound like it was intentional. I do not need this one mark to destroy the integrity of the entire piece!

So I make more marks. And more marks. This accumulation of marks has made an interesting picture. It is certainly not what I expected. That make’s it better right? I attempted to let go in some sense of the word. I FEEL like it worked. It LOOKS like it did work. Inside these marks are a history. A history of different thoughts and feelings. A roller-coaster of reactions within the body and within my thought plagued consciousness. A history. An archival ancestry.

All this time I felt like I needed more distraction so I could focus more.
What happened? Why was there so much struggle? Did there NEED to be so much struggle? What made me have such a creative block?
Did the simple of idea that I HAD to sit down to make a picture deter me from making an actual picture? Was it the mere method of the act that spurred the anxiety and frustration within me?

How bizarre. How intriguing. How confusing?
What choices were I actually making?
What things were influencing my reactions in those moments?
What was pulling my strings?

Was this picture made from a blank piece of paper predetermined to look the way it looks right now? Did I even have much choice or guidance in this decision? How much of this picture was actually “ME”?

All I can say is that all this thinking has made me hungry.
I am craving mango.
I wonder why....

DG

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Interesting


I Blame Society! (?)

I blame society !


I blame society!
It has been so unjust to my friends and me. Well, my friends and "I". The "I" that I so cling to. So oppressing! But wait...

Aren't I a part of society? Not apart from society? Is it silly to think that I am "not" part of society. Well certainly. I am society and society is me. I am part of this monster that I so fear. Shall I look into the mirror? Pointing the finger. Blaming the “other”.

It's that division. That illusion of separateness. I can give society a name. I can bring it into existence. Well, who is bringing it to reality? Is it really me? Remember that we gave it a name.

So I give this so called society an evil aura. A menacing hat. A disorderly conduct. A set of disorderly conducts. I create a society that stems from resentment. That resentment leads to blame. Why don't I just blame myself? I project what I don't want. If I resist it, it persists. Do you see? Do you see this chaos that I create? This hell of my own manifestation?

If I think this "society" is "oppressing" me then I am certainly appealing to this imaginary and demigod "oppressor". Doesn't that make me inherently dependent on this vile and incendiary oppressor? It deconstructs my individuality to the core. Am I no longer a responsible and reasonable individual? Do I become part of a tribe or sacrifice my individuality for the agenda and unconsciousness of a collective?

Do I create this illusory mask of society out of convenience? Out of ignorance? I can really know what I know now from that I have known. When it comes down to it, I know way less than I thought and what I think I have known is simply unconscious to me and appears to be more “unknown”. From what I know, I know mostly that I don’t know.

Am I biting the hand that is feeding me?
Or..
Am I biting my own hand?
And...
How do my fingers taste?

Do I identify as a victim when I blame such disorder in my life on society? Why would I not just take responsibility for my own actions? Why not focus on what's "immediately" around me?

From my thoughts ( the past )
To the area just within my reach.
To the area outside of my reach that I can transport myself to maintain to control.

Like a stone thrown into a lake.
The ripples make no mistake. Outward! They ripple out from a center.
The quality of those ripples depend on how hard the stone was thrown and the mass and contents of that stone. Radiating outward from one spot. From one instantaneous action! Now, what spurned that action? Thought? The involuntary will of desire? Some biological reaction just outside the realm of my awareness?

So you see how these ripples may create society?

As we might see society:

People walking their own walk. Their own path. Their own destruction. Their own distractions. Own little worlds with distorted perceptions.

The potent possibility and probability of people trying to subtly manipulate other people.
A Disastrous Dance of Projection. Some might say.

What becomes of a culture of resentment and blame?
Doesn't it begin with each individual?
At each individuals awareness and consciousness?

There writhes the unconscious serpent that tries to avoid what is and strangle you through aggression towards why should be. This unconscious resentment cannot sit with gratitude with what is. We can give this is a name if we want. If one cannot take responsibility for what is now, then they will be of the past and try to construct an escape from what is.

Remember that we gave it a name.

You create an "identity" when you blame "society",
What a selfish way to gain notoriety,
You see disorder and want more order,
But little did you know,
That trying to fix disorder is somewhat disorder,
From this unconscious abyss,
It's easy to miss.

Fragmentation. Disassociation.
All dealing with the ills of the self. The illusory "sense" of self. A resistance to what is not known. A vulnerability for ideology and unconsciousness to fill in that irritable void.

When one cannot or will not question their internal struggles, they might project and not reflect. So, the external world becomes a manifestation of their own unconsciousness. A reflection of the inner to the outer. So a person who is in such conflict, can only resort to blame and resentment. All of course, remnants of the past not dealt with. Contained within the limited center of memory and thought.

So society as we see it can be based on relationship or lack there of. Starting with the self. The relationship and the self knowledge of one's self. If we cannot have or know relationship with ourselves, how can we have relationship with other? There is the dysfunction and disorder that leaks into this society. Now do you see?

It's the fragmentation of me that creates my view on this so called “society”.
If I can take a look at the "me", and I will inevitably see the disorder and chaos that has been spawned in front of "me".

For if I want to point a finger, I miss the target. (to sin) If I observe the neurosis of the mind in "me", I can see. I can act. Accordingly. From that I can "become"....( be )

From that (be) to (act).
To Act it Out.

A benefit towards myself

then,

"society".

DG