How to make love to a guitar

Grab your guitar gently and place it firmly on your lap as if you were to start playing it a lap steel guitar. 

Gently glide your fingers along the strings starting at the top of the neck down to the pickups or sound hole if you are playing an acoustic. 

Go to the Low E tuning knob and gently massage the tip. Move down to each knob and gently massage each from at least 10 seconds. When you reach the last one gently move your hand along the back side of the guitar neck as if you are trying to wipe dust off of it. 

Move one of your hands to the body of the guitar and gently massage the wood naturally following the curve of the body itself. Bring your face down to the part of the body facing your face and gently smell the wood. Press your nose againt the body and gently caress it with you lips. Breathe in. 

Make your way down to the bridge of the guitar and run your fingers where the string meets it. Strum with one finger and do repetitive up and downstrokes for 10 seconds.( This really makes the guitar excited ). 

Place your fretting hand on the neck and play a first position open G chord. Let the notes ring out for 2 measures and  strum again once letting it resonate. After 3 cycles of this, move to a C chord of your choice and repeat the same directions. 

When you are done strumming the two chords, tremolo ( with a pick or not ) on the high e string for 8 beats. Slowly accelerate and increase volume with each tremolo of the pick of finger. You will notice the guitar starting to sweat. This is a good thing. 

Place your index finger on the 3rd fret of the G string and hit it 3 times as quarter notes in a tempo of 120 bpm. Let the last note ring out. Bring the bottom of the guitar body to your cheek and gently run against it for 10 seconds. 

Hit the harmonics of the high e, b and g strings on the 12th fret. Let those ring out and quickly tap the head of the guitar 5 times. Bring the head of the guitar upright to your face and stand up. Hug the guitar gently, while gently massaging the the middle of the back of the body of the guitar. Start inward and slowly move outward as if you are drawing a swirl with your finger on the back of the guitar. 

Lay the guitar down on a bed or a couch and turn it on it's back. Start from the head of the neck and slowly move your way down to the body with one of your chosen fingers. Flip the guitar over and gently massage the sound hole or the frets of the guitar with 2 fingers. Slap the strings. Wait two seconds. Slap the strings and let it resonate. 

Grab a washcloth or a dish towel and slowly wipe down the strings in a circular motion. Listen to the gentle singing of fret noises as you make your way from the bridge to the nut of the guitar. Tickle the nut. Wait 3 seconds, then tickle the nut again saying, "Tickle, Tickle, Tickle." 

Place the guitar back in your lap as if if you are ready to play it in its regular position and pluck each string once starting from the lowest to highest. Let each string ring out and do not palm mute or stop the resonance of the adjacent strings. When all strings are ringing, play a G, D and C in whatever tempo and time signature you like. Let the C ring out and slowly please your hands on the bottom of the body and the back of the neck. 

Pay attention to your breath and align your fretting hand as if you are ready to play an a minor chord. 

Like this. 

Low E to high E.

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Now the guitar is warmed up and ready for you to play Hotel California! 

DG