I am caught in the scroll...

 

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I am caught in the scroll,

It's like a web. A sticky web. My eyes are glued. They are heavy. Am I missing out?

Oh look another shiny thing! I use my thumbs diligently mindlessly scrolling. It's a healthy distraction. It's like a pillow of comfort, but in the back of my head I feel as if I am being pulled. Like I'm being put in tranced. Like I'm being manipulated.

Oh Look! That's a cool looking thing! How much is it? That is not too much. So glad I found this thing while I was scrolling. What if I didn't find this thing? Oh, I need to do laundry. Ok, I'll do 20 more minutes of scrolling. I should really just let my mind out and wander. 

Why do I have a headache? "I need to take a break" I say to myself in a manner of hopelessness and sheer confusion. I could have been doing other things. Important things. Things that I have always wanted to do. There's a list and some of it is on the fridge. Right in front of my face anytime I pass through the kitchen. I did it for a reason, but why can't I adhere to it? All these little steps. All these little lists and loose lipped scrawling were suppose to work. Yet I gravitate towards the comfort. The convenience of comfort. All these little lists and tasks turn into facades. A decoration of an undisciplined and unstable mind. But I digress. 

What would it take for me to stop the scrolling? It feels as if I have tried before. In a fit of anxiety and rage I thrust the distraction rectangle onto the bed. "I need to take control", I tell myself in a self perceived and unconscious moment of need. Did I really just waste 30 minutes of my time scrolling through videos of disastrous pomp and circumstance? Well I was buzzing. Each click, swipe and scroll got me. It transported me into a place where I could escape. A place where the external world and the immediate world around me was no threat and no burden. Was I learning something? Quite possibly. There were a few informative videos for sure, but will it stick? Or will it come out at a party one time as an impressive and quirky fact? It will fade for sure in any capacity. My capacity to retain information has dwindled in this immediate gratification landscape. 

It's like a disastrous appendage or a fussy infant. When I am away from my "phone" I feel a sense of lack. An immediate burst of instability and anxiety. But surely not all the time. The times I am in the moment or with people I care about that little fussy electronic infant is akin to a satiated puppy taking a nap. In those moments where I am present there is no need to "capture" it. There is no need to tell the world or log on to create a distracting and self important livestream. What matters is the moment. The experience itself and not the documentation of it. When I lose that presence do I need to tell the world about it? Do I need show the strangers of the internet the best or worst time of my life? In short, it will pass. Like everything else. An ephemeral transference of energy and attention. 

Yet there you and I are again. We go back to the device. Did someone text us? Did we get any new notifications? Has anyone liked my posts? Are there any new important news updates? Then we are sucked backed in. Sucked back into the habit of scrolling, swiping and swapping our precious time for the distraction and comfortable convenience for our own little pleasure seeking monkey mind. Are we simply running from boredom? Can we simply plop our butts down on a chair or a yoga mat and just observe what is around us? For more than a minute at least? Well, can we? 

It's very telling how it's hard for us to simply be. In public and private. We have these little portal devices that can take us out of uncomfortable moments with ourselves and other people. We can trick ourselves into thinking we are doing something productive. We can check our stocks, shop for more toilet paper, see what is happening Friday and what movie we can stream after ordering in tonight. There is a myriad of reasons for us to justify the use of this technology. We may even feel accomplished when we complete a task on our phone. And that's great. But then what? What's next? Now you are stuck in traffic and the distraction rectangle calls out to you again. All the apps just wait for you begging for your attention. God forbid you just sit and breathe and appreciate that little bit of time you have before you have to focus on not hitting that Prius right in front of you. 

Take a look around you. When you are in public, how many people are sucked into that little space? They may be sitting, walking or standing. They may even driving. Count how many people are present. How many people are on their little screens while they are in a group? Surely they didn't get together so they could all hang out in public while they look at their phones. I mean that would be quite absurd. Yet all these fleshy anxious automatons have forgotten how to be present. And yes that is most likely you at times. You and I have been there. It's not about shaming or feeling bad for doing it. It's about recognizing our behaviors and seeing them in a non judgmental light. A light of awareness that may even feel uncomfortable. But that is discomfort is a messenger. It's a portal into self growth and presence. From that we can take a breath and take a step back from the scroll. 

If it's so convenient to reach for our phones, why don't we actively make it inconvenient? What if we deleted some apps? What if we put it in the other room as we did things that give us joy? Uh oh. Have we merely forgotten things that have given us joy or made us present? That's very telling now isn't it? Did we ever really get satisfaction or joy from all that scrolling or did it make us feel like an empty confused vessel when we stopped? We may have walked around for a mere 10 minutes and then we were back in it. Just mindlessly scrolling. Maybe for a fractionally smaller amount of time, but none the less still mindlessly scrolling. 

Our minds buzz at times when we feel like we are in an uncomfortable spot away from our phone. It's like we are little toddlers reaching for that favorite blanket or teddy bear. You are way more than your notifications and the likes and attention that is given to you over the internet sphere. Do we always feel rushed? Has the scrolling trained our minds to Go!Go!Go! without any space for real rest? That's a great question. What happens when we slow down? What happens when we focus on these little tasks at hand? How we crack an egg on a pan. How we open the car door and start the car. How we brush our teeth and hair. How we do one thing usually translates to how we do other things and in the bigger picture EVERYTHING. 

So go slow. If you notice that little irritability bug pop up when you reach for your phone or you are away from your phone, try going slow. Like it's a performance. Like it's a dance. Are you present when you are doing the dishes? Are you really present with how you are folding the towels. When we escape that Rat Race mind that focuses on going from one thing to another in a fit of manic unconsciousness, we can really be in tune with presence. We can be in tune with the merging of the inner and outer. An interplay of sensory data and how we respond to it. Is that can opener giving you trouble? Take a breath and take it slow. Really be with that process that one would think is mundane and irrelevant. Really BE with that. You will see how you can improve in all tasks. Especially in the ones that give you immediate discomfort and trouble. 

What time is it? You want to check the time. But guess what. The only way is your phone. Well, not the only way, but the most convenient and most familiar this day and age. And that's ok. We can learn from it. We can get an ugly clock or even a sundial. ( That will take more learning and getting use to.) Because once we check that screen we may be bombarded with texts and notifications. Surely, you can turn those off as well, but the practice is what is important. The practice of being in the process and staying with those little waves of discomfort. It's like those little cravings. We may crave something sweet, but if we don't resist it and simply listen to it does it tend to dissipate? Do we tend to forget that we were craving something sweet moments later? It's an interesting thought. God knows we are always loaded with those. In and out in cyclical patterns. Popping in our heads like noisy birds on a tree branch. 

Ask yourself: Is it necessary that I check my phone at this time? Do I need to log on to an app to scroll? Do I have better things to do? Should I really at least try to complete one of those tasks on the list on the fridge? 

A fairly good introductory practice might be to have concrete goals or tasks for why you would need to go back to your phone. Are you going to post something insightful or productive? Are you going to make something that you feel good sharing with the world? Or are you in a whirlwind creative moment where you need to record, write or jot something down and that phone can turn into a tool? Ah there we go! Like the need of the hammer for a nail. Do we always need to use or hold an hammer? Certainly not. What if we could change our relationship with how we saw these devices? What if we could also use these phones as phones? In the purest way possible. And everything else can be like a Swiss army knife type of function. An app as a pencil or saw. Etc etc. 

Breaks are your friend. Space is great. Pauses are relieving. Take a time out. Set timers for your screen time. You need punctuation between sentences and spaces between paragraphs. Inhaling and exhaling. The push and the pull.

Reward yourself when completing these offline and off-phone tasks. Would scrolling be a decent reward? Would it leave us feeling satisfied and collected with ourselves? Is there something else that could be a better reward? Are we treating ourselves like dogs? Are we are own little science experiments?

Take a step back. Have an out of body experience. How would you see yourself if you could see yourself caught in the scrolling? Like a hovering orb. Would you be judgmental? Would you be sad? Would it make you tense up inside? Well, listen to that. Take that imaginative step back and hover without judgment. Without the need to make yourself more disciplined, focused and better. Really breathe it in and release. You will find the scrolling to be a lot less enticing and lot less grabbing for your constant attention. No more resistance or fighting. What you resist persists, but observing is illuminating. 

DG