" I'm sorry I'm being annoying, but I'm having a hard time understanding you."
When we say sorry for the little things, we are unconsciously submitting ourselves to self pity and a sense of devalued self worth. Why do we apologize for the way that we are? We may feel like we are too needy, too high strung, too needy. We preface our statements with what we perceive to be our "faults". We make the assumptions that people will perceive us the way we perceive ourselves. This is where we fall victim to our own dull and fixated mindsets.
The first step is to stop making so many gosh darn assumptions. We must surely realize that we cannot get into other people's heads on what they think of us. Do you get what I am saying? If you see yourself as pestering or annoying after asking a multitude of "inconvenient" questions, you are drastically distracted by your own ego. You are coming from a place of victimhood and grievance when you preface a statement or question with a self perceived illusory weakness.
You hold yourself to your own standard.
Comparing yourself to others is highly unintelligent and will only drive a stake deeper into the false sense of self. Your sense of heirarchy and authority is simply an illusion driven by the belief that you are less than, not equal to, unworthy and less intelligent than others around you. Worrying about what others think about your personality keeps us in a prison of our own making. It is fundamentally the lack of self knowledge and self acceptance.
" What shall one do to become more confident and less apologetic?"
It's not about confidence or the avocado mask of "self esteem". Trying to be more confident is just building up a wall around your sense of self. It is the opposite of vulnerability. Faking confidence has the same effect of confidence because you are trying to mold yourself into mindset that is only focused on the preservation of the self and outcomes that are a means to an end. It is not about trying to answer a problem with solution, but to understand if there is even a problem in the first place.
The problem lies in that you want to become less of something to become more of something. It arises from insecurity. Doesn't that make sense? You want to become more likable, so you try to mold your mind into a mechanical and contrived process of thought. You quite literally put on a mask that distracts your from your inner workings and turmoils. You must ask yourself, why do I want to become more or something different from what I am? Why must I keep trying to escape who I am at this moment?
Acceptance is key.
From acceptance arises an appreciation for all of you. You can accept yourself unconditionally at every moment. At every mood. At every conflict. You can make the conscious decision of understanding the conflict of your mind. Do not label it. Do not pick it apart. Do not scientifically analyze. Feel it in your body. Let it be your teacher.
Appreciation over Apology.
What does that mean?
Is it just a catchy primordial platitude that is designed to reconfigure and recalibrate your thought process? In a way, yes. It is not all about finding a solution, but to allow you to be more conscious. It is certainly not focused around an end goal. It is the continuous process of expanding self knowledge without an agenda.
Here's an example of an Appreciation over Apology conscious thought process.
Here is the apology/ lack of self knowledge model:
" I'm sorry that I'm asking so many questions, but I don't seem to understand your point."
What's wrong here?
Well you are apologizing for something that has no bearing or warrants an apology in the first place. You are coming from that victimhood and grievance mindset and not a position of self ownership. You are apologizing for nothing and operating under the assumption that the person or people you are talking to you in the first place are hurt or inconvenienced by you.
It is also coming from a place self importance. You operate under the assumption that by apologizing you can ease your discomfort and sense of self. You do this to protect yourself. To protect your ego.
You unconscious is informing you:
" If I come from a place of apology,
It will be perceived as being courteous and kind."
That's it. Society and our minds have conditioned us to take apologies as a sign of not being rude. Sure there are points where an apology is warranted, but in the constant daily interaction with people, it's highly unconscious and detrimental. It is not constructive, creative or proactive.
It's not about trying to be courteous and kind. Trying to be anything is still building walls and a distraction from authenticity and self knowledge.
So instead of the apology mindset, we can transition into appreciation. How does that work? It first acknowledges the appreciation of the other person. This may be hard for us. This may be uncomfortable for us. This may go against all that we have learned.
Instead of saying, " I'm sorry for asking so many questions". You can say' " I appreciate you being patient and willing to listen." There it is. Simple. You are appreciating the other person(s). It is coming from a point of gratitude and self empowerment. By appreciating others, you are appreciating yourself since the inner is a reflection of the outer.
This works in all interactions. You actually don't need a reason to appreciate the other person. If you did, you would be just fulfilling a goal. A check list. An illusory sense of self worth. You can be irritated with a person and still appreciate them. When you always come from a stance of appreciation, conflict will not have room to arise or explode.
I've heard the saying," Being kind for an end goal is not doing kindness, but doing business." So much truth!
You embody gratitude.
I can simply accept and appreciate that I do not agree with you. I can simply accept and appreciate that I am feeling irritated or insecure with a certain situation.
When I appreciate you, I am appreciating myself and making myself for vulnerable and able to cocreate and inspire!